20 posts tagged “life”

While I have not really named an inanimate object since my car in high school (Winston, in honour of that fabulous high school), I have come to the realisation that, though unintentional, my computer's name is Shwartz McFly. This is because practically every time I try to use it it gets really slow or worse, completely unresponsive. Web pages load like dial up, text will sometimes take 30 seconds or more to appear (making it ever more difficult to catch typos, about which I am really anal), and quite often I click a button, or go to move the cursor in a text box, and nothing happens, leaving me to wonder if the click registered, so I click again, and... well it's a mess. And that's just the average. There are times when it is much worse!

Anyway, when it is slow, but working, I chant to it, "Come on Shwartz, come on Shwartz!" (Spaceballs) And when it is unresponsive I find myself saying, "Hello McFly!" (Back to the Future) So considering the frequency with which I utter these things to my VERY inanimate computer, I realise that, like it or not, this computer's name is Shwartz McFly.

And all I can say is Thank You Thank You Thank You Dad for helping me put Shwartz here into early retirement! After next week it will not need to do anything but hold the occasional online css or photoshop tutorial page for me while a shiny new desktop helps me do things this McFly could never dream of! And I'll probably be able to run a second program, like play music, while doing it! I can't even imagine what it will be like to use computer programs in real time.... It's like a dream!

love-love. Lindsay

In one of my college acting classes we had the assignment to create a monologue based on a famous person of our choice, so that we could study and portray their movement, voice, characteristics, etc. I chose Audrey Hepburn. While video of this exercise does exist somewhere, I have never seen it, so I can't tell you if I was successful in my portrayal or not. But I did always think I was pretty successful in the creation of the monologue. I came across it the other day as I was searching for a new monologue for an upcoming audition. While this is something I would never feel was suitable for an audition, it is certainly worth sharing. In fact, they may be words to live by.

Much of this consists of direct quotes that were found in the book her son published a few years ago, some may have come from biographical information from another source I can't recall, and at least one line was used by her in a movie. It ends with a poem she liked to read to her family. I don't have the author's name, though you may be familiar with it. And I do believe it is in the aforementioned book.

The setup of the monologue is present day; Audrey Hepburn's spirit returning to offer advice and comfort. I believe I ad libbed the segue between the main section and the poem, which I had written on a piece of paper I took from my pocket and left with an audience member at the end.

Hello. I suppose you are wondering what I am doing here. Well I have come by to visit with a few friends, and we are friends aren't we? Of course we have never met, but we are all friends here. I have been gone for many years, but I see there is still a great deal of sadness in the world. It seems there is more every day. I want to help you not to be sad anymore.

I'm glad I lived, I'm glad I was alive. Now it's my turn to give you a hand. Let me give you what I had.

I believe in one thing above all: love. I do believe in love and I believe love can heal, fix, mend, and make everything fine and good in the end. I really do believe it.

But there's something you've got to remember:
Love is action. It isn't just talk, and it never was. We are born with the ability to love; yet we have to develop it like we would any other muscle.

What I always had, and maybe I was born with it, is an enormous love of people, of children. I loved them when I was little, and I used to embarrass my mother by trying to pick up babies out of prams at the market.... The one thing I dreamed of in life was to have children of my own. It always boils down to the same thing. Not only receiving love, but wanting, desperately, to give it... almost needing to give it.

I had to make a choice at one point in my life of missing films or missing my children. It was a very easy decision to make because I missed my children so very much. When my elder son started going to school, I could not take him with me anymore, and that was tough for me, so I stopped accepting pictures. I withdrew to stay home with my children. I was happy. It is not as if I was sitting at home, frustrated, biting my nails. Like all mothers, I am crazy about my two boys.

Boil it all down to what counts the most; what is the essence of what you are trying to do, what is the most important thing? Things only get complicated when you are trying to address too many issues.

(ad lib segue: something like: before I go I want to leave you with this)

Time Tested Beauty Tips
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
We leave you a tradition with a future.
The tender loving care of human beings will never become obsolete.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed.
Never throw out anybody.
Remember if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands: one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
Your "good old days" are still ahead of you, you have many of them.

And with that I remember how much I love Audrey Hepburn.

...Too many issues, indeed.

love-love. Lindsay

Who would have thought that choosing a single picture out of nine on a simple quiz website could be so spot on? I doubt any professional psychologists had anything to do with this, but the image I was drawn to yielded a description of how I see myself and my world right now. Sometimes the internet spooks me with how much it knows. I'm going to go see what else it has found out about me.

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise.
Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.
You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.

You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.
You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world.

A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

Blogthings - The World's Shortest Personality Test

Beware: Contents of this post may contain actual feelings. Read at your own risk. If you would prefer to read shiny, happy stuff, Lindsay recommends the following: posts tagged humor.

There are reasons I haven't been posting much over the past year, and only one is laziness. Another, more important reason has been that I usually strive to keep the unhappy bits of my life out of this blog, which has left me with very little to say over the past year. But I am on the verge of overcoming all that junk, and I feel that before I continue as though nothing ever happened, I must give an account. I am a firm believer in venting and getting stuff off your mind. Unless you're really good at meditation (which I am not), it's the best way I know to clear out the bad energy so you have room for the good to come in. And maybe someone else will be helped by what I have to say, either for themselves, or if they've noticed someone else with the same feelings and dilemma.

So here goes.:

When I turned 28 the events of that day showed me that my life had gone largely unchanged for a full decade. Though events and accomplishments came and went, the status and quality of my life remained the same. Career, friendships, love, family, income - all felt just as they did when I graduated high school. I panicked. Here I was, getting ever closer to 30, finding that all of my efforts amounted to nothing. Sure I now have a college degree, but I'm working as a barista with kids who never went; sure I've met new people, but they are no more a part of my life than people I haven't seen in ten years; sure I'm making more money per hour, but my cost of living and debt are also much higher. All I could think was that if everything I tried had no effect, and I couldn't think of anything new to try within my capability, why continue to try at all? For the next six months I was on a severe downward spiral. I know many of us say that we are depressed, but we are usually referring to our current mood; however, I believe I truly was on the clinical side of depression. My biggest clue being that I didn't care about the things I loved: I didn't want to take pictures, I didn't even want to try any acting. And that scared me. I didn't know what to do and just kept waiting for some car to hop the curb and save me the trouble.

When you've lost your hope for success in the future how do you get it back? How do you stop the vicious cycle of self-damaging thoughts? I want to get back to that place of promise; when I felt the bright vision of my future in my soul and it made me smile, even in the darker times. My vision was clearer then, just a brief two years ago, because I knew that each event was just a hurdle, putting me on my unique path to personal greatness. But when those darker times persist and persist, drilling into the mind, maintaining and even gaining their strength in your day to day consciousness, the promise fades and slips away. It takes all of your energy to hold on to it. I believe in the power of the mind, but when you've already bent all your energy on that hope, and it failed you, how do you again convince yourself that you can make good things happen? And how do you do it without an infusion of new energy? When you've made effort upon effort and it has had no effect, sapping all your strength, how do you again convince yourself that your new attempts will yeild any results? If you're drowning in your own failures and no one is around to pull you out or provide that new energy, how do you save yourself? Can you save yourself?

For months now I have been clawing my way back out of that pit, and it is no easy task. Especially when there is no hand reaching down from the top to grab on to, with a whole person behind it telling you that they hear you. But somehow I managed to latch on to the feeling that "my time is coming." My time is coming. My time is coming. I said it over and over. And at some point - only very recently - I felt that it was true. In the past my visions of the future were specific. My plots and plans had their desired results, and those results never came. But now I have no plot. No plan. Just a feeling that the time has come for things to change. Soon. Though I don't know when. And because I've stripped away many of my specific expectations I may finally be free to see what results do come from my actions. But still I needed a catalyst. A day to mark a fresh beginning. A time when I could expect the groundwork to begin. January 1st and its typical resolutions have always felt meaningless to me, but my birthdays seem to have that sense of new beginnings and renewal in a much stronger form. I told myself that my 29th birthday would be that marker. The start of my new year, on an upward motion. I also told myself that if I was truly going to enter my 30s the way I want, this is the time. This is it. I must take action. I must find actions to take. And I must suck it up and not be afraid. This is my last chance to experience my 20s and make something out of them.

And somehow, little, tiny things are starting to happen, and I have found things to do. A stranger bought me a bottle of nice scotch on my birthday (a thing I'd been wanting for some time); I've found someone with whom I may actually be able to socialise; a roaster I knew from Seattle Coffee Works sought me out to take over running one of his coffee bars, which is only open Monday - Friday, closing at 3pm - finally giving me my nights and weekends for theatre; I even finally answered one of those last minute calls for extras (I should point out that I was actually free that day, too, which doesn't usually happen) and while I did get within ten feet of Robin Williams and Bobcat Goldthwait, the more significant aspect is that I connected with a woman who does that sort of casting all over town.

I've still got a long way to go, and I'm still fighting my own worst enemy (me) daily, but somehow, over time, I've managed to inject myself with just enough good energy that has finally built up enough to start the ball rolling again. My next challenge is keeping momentum, while continuing to find more positive energy to add to the mix, propelling me further. As crappy as my 28th year was, I'm convinced my 29th will be that much better. And if I'm wrong, well, somebody better be there to catch me this time, 'cause I'll fall hard. But I really don't think I'm wrong - finally. And as long as I can continue to think that, I won't be. This is my time. My time is now.

love-love. Lindsay

I don't have a car here in Seattle. In fact, I've never driven in this city at all. And over the past year and a half I have been consistently reminded of why that's a good thing. Yes! SO glad I don't have to deal with a car right now. No payments, no insurance, no gas (or failure to get somewhere due to lack of gas funds), no repair bills, no city parking, dumb drivers or traffic jams. I haven't even missed getting to places. I think I've only made it out to Target three times since I moved here - and I don't care! I may be terribly limited in where I can go, and how long the bus takes to get around, but it's worth it not to have the headaches.

But, when the weather is sunny and breezy as it has been, and when you find yourself listening to certain music, there is that call. That call of a classic American past time. When you want nothing more than to cruise around with the windows down (or the top, if you're lucky) on some forgotten, empty (yet mercifully paved) road, with that music cranked as high as it will go, taking it all in. A sensory whirlwind of good music and good feelings. Just going for a drive. Because it makes you feel good.

Well, I must live vicariously through you now. (If you have a car, that is. And someplace to go. No more driving for no reason anymore, huh?) So I will share some of the songs that I think would be ultimate summer driving music. Bear with me though. They've not been tested. I've only acquired these songs in the past few months. But I think they should do nicely.

So crank it for me, will ya?

Or, the song in my head today: special edition.

Only once or twice before has a song seemed to pop into my adventures in moving from one 'house' to another. The last one that comes to mind was when I had lived too long in a small town and felt like I was getting stuck there. So when I finally managed to get out, a much played radio song at the time was the one that goes "I been hangin' around this old town for way too long" (Counting Crows? Hootie? It's been too long since I've heard it), and it was just so appropriate I decided it was my moving theme.

I am moving again, but this time just seven blocks (lucky number!) down the street. Not exactly a life changing move, you would think. But I have been living for the last year - twice as long as I intended - in a super tiny furnished studio, with no kitchen. I had a little microwave and one of those little fridges people put in their offices. Needless to say I have been feeling like crap for no small part because I have been unable to maintain a proper diet. Also because my window is so closed off from breezes and daylight. Well, my new place has a much bigger kitchen - with a real fridge! Its kind of a crummy one, but the manager told me tonight that he plans to get a new one for my unit! Yay! Fresh fridge! And its got two windows - ground floor, but fresh breezes! Yay again!

I am, of course, digressing. But still, now the stage is set.

A song came on to my shuffle while I was moving (in a most unorthodox fashion which I will describe below), and it just seemed to fit the mood and moment so well that I had to share it and make it official. Now I may not be moving to Mars, but I expect the new place to make a world of difference in my mental well-being. So I now present my moving theme by the Cranes. If my life were a movie, and this move had its own montage, this is what would play. And the scene goes thusly:

And as you listen, picture, if you will, a young woman walking down the city street. It is 11:00 at night and the moon is out, shining bright and still full from the previous nights lunar eclipse. She is walking the seven blocks to her new place pushing a few random boxes and bags on a red hand truck. She arrives and, once inside the door, hops down a few steps and down the hall to unload. This place is not extravagant by any means, but it breathes. It feels fresh and promising and bright. Then half an hour later this woman walks back to the old, at a pace that matches this music, pulling the empty red hand truck behind her, tired but ready for another load.

lyrics
The universe is ours.
Got everything we need.
And we can go to Mars
With great velocity.

The universe is ours.
Got everything we need.
The universe is ours.
Got everything we need.
Cause we've still got our dreams.

How totally cool is this?! I've known about the springwidgets for some time, but could never get them to recognise multiple feeds. Well, I finally figured it out. Or they changed something. No, actually what really happened is they did change something, but it still took me all night to get it to work right. They put in an 'add' button for adding the extra feeds, but the feeds wouldn't take. Then I finally read the fine print and saw that you are supposed to make sure there are no extra spaces, but the add button was putting in spaces. So I took them out and, HURRAH! Then I couldn't get my lesser used feeds to work until I burned them on feedburner like the rest. But no matter, I got it now.

And it's so cool! If anyone wants to stalk me (and you know who you are) they can find all my stuff in one little spot. (Except youtube. It's a shame there is no feed there.) So here's my awesome new widget:

It's also a shame that it doesn't look good in our skinny vox sidebar. Guess I'll have to shop around for that. But in the meantime it's perfect for MySpace, I suppose. ^__^ Myspace and stalkers.

This, my longest absence from vox to date, began with a simple enough evil. I was *shudder* READING. I typically don't allow myself to read, not for the sake of disliking the activity. No, for the very opposite reason of getting TOO involved in it. Let me put it this way, there are many reasons I have chosen to be an actress, not the least of which is my continued love of fantasy and make believe. I start reading and pretty soon I forget there is a real world too.

But times dictated that I must read. That blasted Harry Potter book. The new one came out and I had to prepare by re-reading all the previous books (which I hadn't read since the last one came out, what? Two years ago?). And I had to hurry, because, of course you can't risk someone spoiling it for you. And indeed I finished it two days after it came out, and thought my life would resume. However, there was something I could not have foreseen.

Typically when I read such fantasy type things it inspires new ideas for my own epic. This epic, which I have mentioned once or twice in passing, has a few characters, some cool concepts (which I believe no one has used yet - I hope), the very beginning seeds of its own mythology, yet no real plot. It may be years before I can begin to really write any of it. But, as I said, reading other fantasy books can inspire bits of ideas.

To my dismay, that was not the case this time. I read all of these books and remained uncharacteristically detached. My brain completely empty. It is disturbing to say the least. So I picked up another book, one of my old favourites, which I hadn't read all the way through for a decade, yet always imagined I would like to turn into a movie. I read this book again and was again met with... nothing. Not only did it not inspire my own new ideas, but it destroyed the illusion that it would make a good movie. I see now that it would not appeal to general audiences without such a rewrite as would kill the integrity of the author's original work. The plot is too subtle and resolved too easily (imagine a deus ex machina and then imagine you don't even see the deus or the machina), and while interesting things happen they do not tell any compelling story by comparison with the grandiose and intricate plots audiences have come to know.

So I turned to other books. I've started reading one that I hope will be a useful resourse for the more technical aspect of my epic, I've begun watching, again, The Lord of the Rings, re-reading The Chronicles of Narnia (always one of the most dangerous things for me to read, being one of my earliest favourites, which always put me in the habit of seeking magical doorways.), I've even been to the *GASP* library to find new fantasy epics to read in the hope of inspiration and of finding out if my ideas have already been done. But so far, there is still nothing.

But the appalling part is not really even so much as the simple lack of ideas. I'm kind of used to that. No. It's far worse than that. One of the reasons I started vox (besides that of attempting to get some fun two way communication going - not that that has worked) was that I often feel this overwhelming urge to write, but the moment I sit down to do so, my mind goes blank, and I have nothing to say. On vox I don't actually have to say anything. I've been able to post things I thought were cool and get by just pretending I was actually saying something in what I've written. This past month, however I've not only had absolutely nothing to say, but I've not even had the desire to try to say anything at all, preferring instead to stare into space and forget there were such things as people to talk to. I have never before felt so willing to be brain dead. Even when funny little things have happened (like the day I accidentally threw my keys away at work and didn't realise it 'til I got home and my boss had to go through the trash full of coffee grounds to make sure they were there), I could not think of anything to say about them or any reason to say it.

But do not think that my writing this post has changed that. I simply have the unfortunate condition of being addicted to explaining myself, and, while my readers are few, there are at least one or two who have wondered if I'm still here. So I had to explain where I've been.

I have been seeking inspiration. And I have not found it.

I'll say this much, though. If I did not have all of my debt and student loans, I would be of half a mind to drop everything and go accumulate the same amount in debt by traveling around England for a few months to find my inspiration and gather a more intimate knowledge of the customs and landscape I want to use in my epic. But for now I will have to stick to that which has already been written by others (whom I am desperately trying to differ from) and a few pieces of music which come close to offering glimmers of visual imagery, if not actual ideas, and hope that soon my energy returns.

Mmm, coffee. So many ways to make it, drink it, buy it. And if you've been tainted by that big old super-chain "coffee" shop (I'll spiel about that another time) or one of it's many rising competitors (that are not the best, no matter what their name says), you may have forgotten just how many ways there are to roast it. Typically, when you go to any coffee shop, whether they are a big old chain, or even a tiny little hole in the wall, they've chosen the roaster for you. You may get to choose between a medium or dark roasted drip coffee, but you don't get much more than that. And as for espresso drinks? Well that's usually a one shot deal. (No pun intended. Though I do rate a coffee shop as knowing a bit more about coffee when they serve an 8oz that comes as a double by default.) If you want to try different brands of coffee, you've got to go to another shop. Then another.

Well, now I welcome you to my new job, and give to you Seattle Coffee Works. If you've seen my coffee collection (and if you've looked at this blog, you've seen it) you know that I'm not particularly loyal to one kind of coffee, but rather I like all kinds. I like good coffee, all good coffee, and am astounded at just how variable this little bean is. And Seattle Coffee Works read my mind. We have, in the store at all times, not one, not two, but no less than ten different local roasters represented on our shelves. We've got a couple local populars like Caffe Umbria and Caffe D'Arte, as well as tiny little ones you won't find too many places, like Borogove, Vashon, and Vista Clara.

Don't know the difference? Well, neither do I. Yet. I'm about to learn more about coffee than I thought there was to know. I can't wait to share it with you. Provided I have the vocabulary to know what the hell I'm tasting.

So, first step: developing my palate. I know what I like. I know what I don't like. But I also know I am willing to drink both. There are a lot a stops in between good and bad, as well as different kinds. This is a step I won't much be able to write about, so stay tuned because once I get my coffee connoisseur speak down, this blog may go coffee overboard.

[And now for something completely tour guide!]
So, next time you're in Seattle - coffee mecca of the West (as seen on a Pike Place Market t-shirt, "When it rains, we pour."), and you want to know what Seattle coffee really is, skip the "original" Starbucks (which I hear isn't actually the first location) and move just a couple blocks over to find Seattle Coffee Works, where we will serve you the espresso of your choice in your latte. Or better yet, to get the true picture we will serve you The Works: three different double espressos side by side... by side for your very own taste test. (You don't have to drink them all, you know. Bring a friend to sample it with you.)

And so ends the introduction to your introductory coffee ed course entitled "What Coffee Actually Is."

love-love. Lindsay